


5 Times Steve Wishes He’d Been There With Bucky and 1 Time He Was

by inksheddings



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, M/M, Wakanda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 13:33:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15389835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inksheddings/pseuds/inksheddings
Summary: Steve has only ever wanted to be there for Bucky. Sure, Bucky was the one to look out for him since they were kids, but that never meant that Steve wasn’t capable of being there when his friend needed a hand.





	5 Times Steve Wishes He’d Been There With Bucky and 1 Time He Was

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy. My first Steve/Bucky fic. And, really, there's only a taste of it. (Sorry.)
> 
> Unbeta'd but I _think_ I fixed my usual tense issues. I also feel like there should be more tags but . . . ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> I'm kinda shaking here.

**5 Times Steve Wishes He’d Been There With Bucky and 1 Time He Was**

 

1.

Steve wasn't there when Bucky finally came out of cryostasis. He wasn't even in Wakanda. He's not too proud to admit that he might have lost his mind (just a little) when he found out, but Shuri's explanation was calm and sensible.

"He went from one sleep straight into another; immediate sedation. He never woke up and would not have known you were there. " Shuri placed a warm hand on Steve's arm, squeezing gently. "I am sorry, Captain Rogers. I should have known you'd have preferred to be present."

After all Shuri and T'Challa had done for Bucky, Steve would have felt like an ungrateful jerk if he allowed himself to entertain any hard feelings. He's pretty sure he wasn't actually upset with anyone but himself, honestly.

Bucky is still sedated. Lying in the most technologically enhanced "hospital bed" Steve has ever seen, attached to various wires and tubes and he's not sure what else, but it's all very impressive and if it's doing what it's supposed to do—helping get the rest of HYDRA out of Bucky's head—then it doesn't matter if he wasn't here for the start of the treatment.

Steve moves a chair next to Bucky and takes a seat. Wearing Wakanda's version of a hospital gown (it's actually not much different than what Steve's seen—or worn—before, but the material is so much softer), Bucky looks okay. He's even got some color in his face despite all that his body and mind have been through. Maybe it should feel awkward, reaching out and touching Bucky's cheek, but it doesn't. It's reassuring. His skin is warm and dry, not clammy or cold or anything unhealthy.

Hands back in his lap, Steve closes his eyes and breathes deeply. Everything is okay and Bucky's doing fine. That's all that matters, so he's going to stop feeling sorry for himself and make sure he's around whenever Bucky's ready to wake up.

 

2.

Steve missed it by two hours.

"Hey, Steve."

Bucky's voice is a bit raspy but strong. He's sitting up in a far more comfortable looking set-up, still wearing the same hospital gown but he's got a pair of pants on, too, and there's a light blanket thrown over his feet. Two hours, that's it, but it feels like weeks or maybe months. He just looks so alert and Steve needs to get himself together fast.

Bucky quirks his head, looking amused. "Are you just gonna keep standing there like a lump and make the infirm come to you or—"

"Oh, hell, Bucky." Steve shakes himself out of whatever reverie he'd lost himself to and walks over quickly, bending down awkwardly to give Bucky a hug.

"That's more like it," Bucky says, holding on tight. "Good to see you."

A moment or two later, Steve finds himself in the same position as the last time he'd seen Bucky; sitting next to his bed, on a chair, happy that he looks as good as he does but bothered that he hadn't gotten back sooner.

"I tried to get here in time, Buck, but my best intentions weren't as determined as some pretty bad weather." It feels like the worst sort of excuse, even if it is the truth, but Steve somehow keeps his voice steady as he speaks.

"Hey, you're here now. And I was pretty out of it when I first woke up. It felt more like a dream to wake up that gently, you know?"

Which makes Steve feel even worse because he doesn't know, not really, not exactly. But he finally does get himself together with a deep breath and a hand through his hair and he manages an honest smile. Bucky's awake, which means his recovery is continuing in a way that Steve can hopefully be a part of and that's what's important.

"More out of it than usual? Hard to believe, Buck."

"Fuck off."

Steve's smile grows exponentially.

 

3.

"It's beautiful."

Sitting in the room Steve calls home whenever he manages to spend time in Wakanda, Bucky looks lost. His expression is awfully close to the one he wore when Steve had first found him in Romania and it's devastating. Steve doesn't talk, doesn't try to comfort, because it's taken three hours for Bucky to start talking about it and Steve's afraid of shutting him down with careless words, no matter how much he wants to tell him everything's going to be okay.

"I guess Shuri's been working on it since before they woke me up. It's . . . it's very different from the old one. She says it's lighter, should have better, uh, sensations? I dunno, she got a little technical for a while there."

Bucky hasn't used the word _arm_ once. Even when he first told Steve that he'd seen it, he'd just said, "Shuri showed me a new . . ." and then had vaguely gestured toward his left shoulder. It makes Steve wonder how Bucky had viewed his old arm once he'd broken away from HYDRA. If he'd ever had a chance to consider it as a part of him or just as a sort of tool. Like HYDRA had considered him a tool. What Steve does know is that whatever Shuri has come up with, it must be as close to a real arm as she could make it.

"I didn't try it out," Bucky says, a quirk to his mouth and apologetic eyes on Steve's. He gets up from the chair and walks over to the big picture window that looks out at tall trees and distant mountains. "I'll have to at some point before Shuri can finish up the connections, but, I dunno. It's just . . . it really is beautiful."

Steve had never even thought to ask Shuri about a new arm for Bucky. Honestly, Steve had been glad to see the old one gone, even if he feels immensely guilty about how it had happened. Now he feels guilty—and stupid—for not considering Bucky's feelings on any arm he's had or might have. It's not a conversation they've taken on and that's on Steve, worrying so much about Bucky's psychological state that he barely took into consideration how his physicality would have to play a huge part in all of it. Now he's left feeling wrong-footed because he wants to back up but that's not necessarily what Bucky wants, or even needs.

Steve gets up and moves to stand on Bucky's right. He doesn't know if he's making the right move, but it's about time he did something to acknowledge that whatever Bucky wants to do (or not do) about his arm, Steve will support him. So he puts his own arm around Bucky so that his hand is resting on what's left of his arm and shoulder. He can hardly breathe.

Bucky leans into Steve. It's just enough.

 

4.

_желание_

Steve doesn't have the words to describe how hard it is to watch. T'Challa himself, dressed as the Black Panther, is speaking the words that had so dearly cost Bucky. The video recording clearly shows Bucky's fists clench hard as soon as the first word was spoken in T'Challa's clear timbre.

_ржавый_

Steve had wanted to be there. It would have been safer for everyone. Yes, T'Challa is strong and capable, but if they'd both been there, in addition to the Dora Milaje waiting just outside, Steve would have felt better about it. 

But Bucky didn't want him there.

_семнадцать_

"I mean it, Steve, take a hike."

He'd spoken those words with an encouraging smile but Steve could almost feel the tension vibrating just underneath. And that tension was the only thing that kept Steve from arguing any further. Bucky felt he needed to face this on his own. He hadn't even planned on telling Steve that he was at this point in his recovery. Steve had just rounded the wrong corner at the wrong time, overheard T'Challa and Bucky discussing it obliquely, and he'd put two and two together. Loudly.

_рассвет_

"Shuri's recording the whole thing. Mainly in case . . . well," Bucky shrugged. "In case."

"In case it goes wrong," Steve said, desperate to restart the argument about how much more sense it made to have him on hand. But he managed to keep his dumb mouth shut.

"Not _wrong,_ " Bucky insisted. "Just in case we need to try it again another time. Having it recorded could help, I'm told. And if it goes off without a hitch we can send copies to all our friends." Bucky had laughed then, and that's when Steve had really seen it; truly heard it in Bucky's bad joke. This was how much Bucky needed to simply _not_ worry about Steve right then. The whole point of making sure Steve wasn't a witness was that worry made real.

_печь_

So Steve wasn't there when it went down. He wasn't even in Wakanda. He didn't leave Africa, though. He wasn't _that_ accepting. He just did his best to trust that nothing would go wrong. 

Once he'd gotten word that everything was fine he'd headed straight back. Before he could find Bucky, however, T'Challa had taken him to the lab, sat him down at a console, and started playback.

 _девять_

With every trigger word spoken, with every word that does not cause Bucky to shake and sweat and break apart, Steve feels his own body start to tremble as it lets go of the consistent strain and apprehension it has been subjected to since he'd known this was going down.

_добросердечный_

Steve watches Bucky's hands unclench and his brow smooth; watches as Bucky's body recognizes that his mind is still his own; watches as Bucky begins to smile. And Steve breaks down. That smile is one of simple wonder, and Steve hasn't seen it on Bucky's face since they were dumb kids shoving snow down each other's pants. Steve is so grateful to see it, but he needs to see it in person. He definitely doesn't need to see any more of this recording.

_возвращение на родину_

But Steve stays put. He doesn’t worry about tears or whatever sounds he can’t help making. He just watches it unfold in the manner that Bucky chose for him. Steve owes him that and he's glad to pay. As much as he's desperate to go to Bucky, to somehow acknowledge the joy of this moment, he'll wait.

_один_

Bucky waited longer, after all.

_грузовой вагон_

 

5.

Steve wishes he could sit here forever. He wishes he could sit on this grass at the edge of this lake, listening to the birds and watching the play of the sun on the water’s surface. He just knows he could sit here forever as long as present company was included.

“It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” Bucky says. “They offered to give me a sedative—just something to take the edge off, I guess—but hell no. I needed to . . . be present.” Bucky rolls his eyes at those last words and Steve can’t help but huff out a laugh. He remembers hearing Sam use the same terminology during group sessions at the VA.

“What did it feel like?” Steve asks. He’s had enough practice now, not being at Bucky’s side during the moments he’d have wanted nothing more, so it doesn’t sting as much that this time there isn’t even a video of the event. He’s here now and it had taken Bucky no effort at all to enthusiastically drag Steve down to the water and start talking. Things are a bit easier for both of them, apparently.

Bucky finds a pebble and turns it over and over between thumb and forefinger. It takes him a minute to start speaking again but Steve isn’t worried. The way Bucky licks his lips is an old tell; he’s just mulling over his words, wanting to be sure they’re well chosen.

“It . . . it felt like an arm,” Bucky says, laughing. He throws the pebble into the water and looks at Steve. Jokingly punching him in the shoulder, he says “It didn’t feel any heavier than this one.”

“Hey!” Steve tries to look stern but fails miserably.

“Nah, but seriously. It felt so close to real, Steve. I could pretty much _feel_ with it. Different textures, temperatures. The old one kinda could do that but not like this.” Bucky’s eyes crinkle as he sort of winces, ever so slightly. “I mean, I didn’t . . . I haven’t—”

It wasn’t that long ago that Steve would have been afraid to push Bucky; would have been afraid that he’d go too far. But it’s easier now between them. Bucky’s come a long way and so has Steve. “Haven’t what?”

Bucky releases a deeply held breath and looks at Steve. “I didn’t touch anyone. Skin, I mean. I picked up a pen and wrote on paper. I even used a vibranium finger to work a tablet. But I didn’t shake hands or put my hand on anyone’s shoulder.” 

“Why not?”

Bucky reaches out and curls his hand around the back of Steve’s neck. “I wasn’t ready,” he says. “Simple as that. And when I am ready, you’re gonna be there, and it’s your hand I’ll shake and your shoulder I put my arm around.”

Steve wants to put both his arms around Bucky. He wants to pull him in and never let go. He nearly does it but Bucky beats him to the punch by moving his hand until he’s cupping Steve’s cheek. “And maybe something like this, too,” he says in the sort of clear, confident voice Steve doesn’t think he could manage now anyway. 

This grass, this lake, these birds, and Bucky. Maybe it doesn’t have to be just a wish.

 

+1.

Steve has only ever wanted to be there for Bucky. Sure, Bucky was the one to look out for him since they were kids, but that never meant that Steve wasn’t capable of being there when his friend needed a hand. Neither one of them ever had it easy and knowing they could always rely on the constancy of their friendship got them both through a hell of a lot. Even the Winter Soldier programming hadn’t bested that fact, not in the end. But this . . . 

Steve refuses to call it ash. 

It’s cold to his touch. But that’s the only recognizable sensation it brings to Steve’s skin. It’s not like anything he’s ever held in his hands, least of all like Bucky. Bucky was warm. Bucky was real. This can’t be. 

Steve needs to gather whoever’s left. Needs to figure out what to do next. But when the dust had settled ( _oh, God_ ) he’d come back to this spot, to Bucky, and allowed himself to kneel down for more than just the seconds he’d had when Bucky first disappeared. 

Bucky was warm. Bucky was real. Steve had been right there.

And for the first time ( _please, Bucky, forgive me_ ), Steve wishes he’d been anywhere else.

 

**end**


End file.
